Boffin NailsBoffin Nails
So, this digital wolf in sheep's microchips wasn't what I was expecting at all. The indomitable Mr Buzz, star of several party/quiz games on Sony's full-size consoles, has made the jump to the palm of your hand, in a game that bears his name - but seems to have little in common with anything else he has featured in before.
Far from the pocket-sized Trivial Pursuit knock-off I had presumed, I found myself fumbling with an incredibly derivative PSP equivalent to the DS' Brain Training games. This isn't the first time the handheld has played host to such "me too" fare, of course, but hanging such a miserable collection of mini-games around the neck of a recognisable franchise feels a little shoddy here. This package isn't brain bending, or brain training... it's just bloody draining.
Your Starter For Ten
There is something terribly bare-bones about this release. For a start, the presentation. The sight of Mr Buzz, preening and pirouetting before a static laboratory background barely engages you, and the figurehead is almost completely irrelevant to the proceedings. There is something saddening seeing the once gregarious showman turn up in such a flimsy product - as if we are witnessing the fall from grace and subsequent dismal resurrection of a one-loved entertainer fallen out of favour. If Mr Buzz's career survives this excursion, surely his next port of call is whoring fake Rolexes on a daytime shopping channel. He is irksome, and unnecessary. Compare that with the miniature charm of Dr Kawashima in the Brain Training game that so blatantly "inspired" this waste of a UMD.
The Games People Play
There are four categories of games, each broken down into four small mini-games. In OBSERVATION you have the opportunity to play "Match Up" (find the pairs), "Shape Spotter" (select which object matches the silhouette), "Missing Link" (pick which domino joins a run), or "Pattern Match" (select which shape of coloured blocks can be found in the larger pattern). In MEMORY you have "Take Away" (shown two cards, try to remember which one is missing the second time you see it), "Puzzle Pieces" (one piece of a jigsaw is highlighted, can you remember which one when you're shown two?), "Quick Count" (two sets of bugs invade the screen, spot which group had the most) or "Sound Chain" (a simple Simon Says derivative).
You still with me? Because, even typing this out has just about sent me into a coma. This is one of the most inane, tedious pieces of software I've ever played. There are two other sets of puzzles, one for ANALYSIS and the other CALCULATION. You can play fun versions of "Which of these two rats will get the cheese out of the middle of the maze?" or even play a fun game of guessing the fraction from discarded pizza slices.
Or you could just poke yourself in the eye with a large stick. As Lewis Black once opined of the Super Bowl half-time show: "I'd rather be watching donkeys fuck."
Bring on the Burros
You can play this game one-handed, initially with a single button press. Each game scales up so the tasks become more involved (actually, that's entirely the wrong word - maybe "irritating" is better). The range of activities moves from insultingly basic up to ball-achingly painful, yet without offering anything in the risk/reward category. You can unlock a few challenges by completing the training modes, or play a pass the PSP affair and experience the tedium as a competitive multi-player. The only real test will be to your friendship though. It is possible to unlock eighteen in-game trophies which serve zero use, and you can play each of these games across three difficulty levels. This latter point demonstrates the biggest irritation: the parameters to win a star and unlock one of the challenges is so tight as to be almost impossible to achieve at some levels. Adults will throw this across the room; children will become despondent at their utter inability to perform well enough.
The final option on the main menu is to test yourself, much the way (yes, you guessed it) the DS keeps a log of your progress in its Brain Training game. In that game, new features are unlocked as you progress, in this, your brain's energy is calculated in kilojoules. And that's it.
Exciting, eh?
Playing this has made me ask one question, though... Why was the DS game this attempts to emulate so successful? Was it the pixellated charms of its creator? The quality of the mini-games (although some of them were pretty insubstantial experiences), the way you progressed over the weeks... or was it the simple novelty of the stylus and the DS package as a whole?
I suspect the answer is a little of everything... and I also suspect the committee of suits at Sony Towers never even bothered to ask themselves that question, before shoving this garbage out the door. Your PSP deserves better.
Bungie vows never to follow the Activision route and charge extra for online multiplayer
(1) (30/07) 
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#1 - NewYork - on 26/03/2009 at 09:49 wrote:
Aaaand it stumbles out the gate :s
#2 - HairyArse - on 26/03/2009 at 10:01 wrote:
#3 - peej - on 26/03/2009 at 10:07 wrote:
#4 - Syrok - on 26/03/2009 at 19:40 wrote:
Still it was good fun.