The Call of Duty franchise has fast established itself as the quintessential hardcore multiplayer online experience alongside Bungie’s hugely popular Halo series. And while there’s an undoubted satisfaction to be gained from mastering the intricacies of the myriad weapon and perk combos, from learning each map inside out and from developing a thick enough skin to deal with the gang-fuck that is Xbox Live, there’s also a huge amount of fun to be had in ‘griefing’. You see, Call of Duty players – and I consider myself in this group having played it obsessively for so long – take their games very seriously. They’ll constantly compare their accuracies, forever look to increase their kill to death ratios and do whatever it takes to get to the top of that leaderboard and be on the winning team. All of which makes them absolutely ripe for winding up, disrupting their strategies and generally making a game of annoying them instead of playing the game proper.
And so, to celebrate this fast-growing sport I’d like to present you with my own personal list of Call of Duty ‘griefing’ techniques.
Team-kills are the simplest and most obvious way of causing grief to your team-mates, but Treyarch and Infinity Ward wisely accounted for and anticipated this by only allowing two accidental team-kills before you’re kicked out of a game. However, due to the somewhat arbitrary nature of artillery and air-strikes, team-kills from above don’t actually count towards this total. So, if you manage to earn an artillery or air-strike, dumping your load on your team mates’ heads is always extremely amusing and bound to increase the blood pressure of those around you.
It’s also worth saving your two allowed team-kills for when one of your team-mates is one kill off earning an airstrike/artillery or dogs/helipcoter. Having your streak ended by a team-mate when you’re on 6 kills is probably the single most annoying thing that can happen in multiplayer games.
Another simple but hugely effective technique, and one that can be repeated ad infinitum, is to throw smoke or tabun grenades at your team-mates. These won’t damage or kill them but will put them off enough such that the opposing team has a good chance of killing them for you. And tabun grenades are especially effective at the start of a match, or on the smaller maps when your whole team spawns from the same location.
Getting 7 consecutive kills without dying and unleashing the dogs or the attack helicopter is hugely satisfying and generally results in you getting a few extra kills for little effort. But this pales into insignificance when compared to the satisfaction to be gained by shooting down your own team’s helicopter or even better, learning where the dogs spawn from on each map, and camping nearby with a machine-gun ready to take them all out. This technique is especially fun as there’s no punishment for doing it and it will really irk the person whose dogs or helicopter you just destroyed.
This next technique works for those of you with an iPhone or an iPod touch. There’s a free download on the Apple App Store called iPity which is basically a whole collection of phrases spoken by Mr T – it takes its name from the famous “I pity the fool line”. And if you’re playing a game with random people, there’s nothing more hilarious than playing: “You crazy foo!”
“Hey sucka, you gonna pay!”
”Whatchu talking’ about foo?!”
Or my favourite: “Got no time fo da jibba jabba. “ over and over down the head-set.
Another favourite of my mine that’s deliciously simple and one you can get away with over and over again is to shoot your team-mate’s claymore mines or bouncing Bettys. A good CoD player will strategically position them to protect their sniping spots or to alert them when the enemy is nearby. And therefore, destroying these vital defence mechanisms is another invaluable weapon in your own griefing arsenal.
This next technique takes great skill and can be quite risky because getting it wrong will soon get you kicked out of a game. Make a mental note of which of your team-mates have the last-stand perk enabled and then proceed to try and put them in last-stand as often as possible. This is hugely satisfying because your other team-members can’t revive them and also because if an opposing player delivers the final blow, the team-kill doesn’t go against you. The risk comes from the fact that unless your shot is a glancing blow or manages to hit a non-vital body part then there’s a good chance you will kill your team-mate as opposed to putting them in last-stand.
Sugar and milk?
Call of Duty’s camouflage and sniper-rifles encourage people to camp and hide; a strategy that is open to abuse in so many ways. There’s a delicious satisfaction to be gained from simply standing next to a hidden sniper and giving his position away to the enemy by constantly jumping up and down. You can also position yourself nearby and out of sight and fire shots above and to the side of your team-mate to really distract him and put him off. He’ll either think it’s the enemy or realise it’s you and move somewhere else, thus giving himself away. But perhaps the best thing you can do to a prone sniper is the old tea-bag technique. Simply stand above his head and press crouch/stand-up over and over. Mature? No. Fucking hilarious? Hell yes.
The martyrdom perk is one of the most unintended annoyances in the Call of Duty series but one that can again be used extremely effectively to yet again disrupt your team-mates. On small close-knit maps where your team-mates tend to be positioned relatively close to each other, standing near to them and getting killed by the enemy and then dropping your last-ditch martyrdom grenade almost always provokes an angry reaction. But you will only get away with this twice before being kicked. Of course there’s nothing to stop you moving from server to server and repeating this over and over.
Doorblocking is another one of those techniques that you can repeat over and over without getting punished by the game. When you stand in a door way, if you position yourself directly in the middle, you act as an immovable object that cannot be budged no matter how many team-mates run at you. If you’re on a map that features a room with a single doorway in or out, this gives you the perfect opportunity to wait until there’s yourself and a team-mate in the same room and then block him in. The only way for your captive to escape is by team-killing you, but then by doing so they risk getting themselves kicked out of the game. And this further adds to the fun of the game because if you can repeat these techniques over and over on the same players, mind-games ensue and they’ll spend more time trying to avoid you than playing the game properly.
And that’s your lot I’m afraid. I’ve bared my soul and told you all of my secrets. But of course, it goes without saying that if you have any useful techniques of your own, be sure to post them in the comments section and if they’re any good, I’ll be sure to add them to this handy compendium.
On a final note, don’t you ever fucking pull any of these tricks on me!