Bash.org goodies


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Salaman
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No Bash topic yet? About time no?

There's a top 100 or 200 on there with some gems but from time to time, the "latest" page has a few nice ones amongst the dross as well.


Here's a few:

The funny
lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
.....
is your sceenname josihawt190?
yes
FUCK
oh shit
we never speak of this to anyone
agreed

a bad workman blames his fools
*tools
damn keyboard

The owned

u wanna fuck with me then lets take it to the streets u little hore u woludnt last two seconds
nor would you, in a library

lol grow up asshole
You have "69" at the end of your name and you're talking to me about maturity?
Do you even know what 69 means you fag?
You have "Greek" in your name and you're calling me a fag?

The geeky

<~Flash> how does one explain the difference between celeron and non celeron to a non tech ??
<+bomarrow1> one is for toasting bread
<+bomarrow1> the other is for processing instructions

< crschmidt> No software is bug free
< FrankW> #/bin/sh
< FrankW> echo "Hello World"
< FrankW> That's pretty bug free.
< crschmidt> FrankW: you missed a !

You know you're experiencing a humiliating moment when your girlfriend tells you that you need an aimbot in bed.. >Sigh<

The WTF? 0_o

I will never forget seeing our neighbourhood kids jerk off a horse. :)
These two kids were just completely fascinated by this young stallion's erection.
So they started playing with it.
The horse was enjoying it and just stood there. :)
The inevitable happenned....all over one of the kids.

GuyGuy: I am so fucking dead, dude.
Bilbo22: What's up?
GuyGuy: Ok, this is gonna take some explanation.
Bilbo22: Go for it.
GuyGuy: Alright. My wife goes crazy when I cum in her. She really likes the feeling of liquid shooting into her or something, cause she's absolutely nuts about it. It's like a fucking fetish.
GuyGuy: Anyway, Last week she went totally overboard with this. We were having sex, and everything was going great, but when I said I was about to cum she grabbed me by the shaft, forcefully yanked me out of her, got this fucking jar from the drawer in the nightstand, and collected my fucking semen in it.
Bilbo22: What the fuck?
GuyGuy: Yeah. Weird ass shit.
Bilbo22: No, I mean the fact you're telling me this shit. I don't want to hear this.
GuyGuy: It's important dude, hear me out.
Bilbo22: Fine, Fine.
GuyGuy: Anyway, I was asking what the fuck she was up to and she tells me she wants to save up my jism so she can take it all at once. So she sticks the jar in the fridge and tells me we can't have any more sex until I fill the thing entirely.
GuyGuy: And long story short, I just don't got that much juice in me, so after a week of trying to jack it until I could fill it, my penis felt like it was gonna burst. So I decided to cheat, and topped it off with some of this dove soap she has, cause it looks a lot like semen.
Bilbo22: Oh dear god, I know where this is going.
GuyGuy: So I give her the filled jar all indignant like cause she made me do this, and she promised me lots of kinky sex for it.
GuyGuy: Then she pulls a fucking turkey baster out of her dresser, sucks up the contents of the jar, sticks the baster in her pussy, and lets it rip.
GuyGuy: As it turns out, Soap apparently burns like a motherfucker when you put it in a woman's pussy.
Bilbo22: Oh shit man. When the fuck was this?
GuyGuy: Like, ten minutes ago.
Bilbo22: Then what the fuck are you doing on AIM!?
GuyGuy: Are you kidding? She's been in the bathroom for the past ten minutes screaming like a fucking banshee.
GuyGuy: I needed leverage. If she murders me now, I've got a witness who can testify against her.
GuyGuy: Oh shit, she's coming out now. If you don't hear from me in a few days, call the cops!
Bilbo22: I'll be sure to check under the porch for your body.
#1 at 18:52:49 - 13/06/2007
Stevas
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I still chuckle at the one where some dude comes in (I forget exactly how it goes) and it goes like:
"FUCK YOU ASSHOLES"
"..."
"Sorry, I meant, hi, what's up?"
"It's a common typo."
"The keys are, like, right next to each other."

FUCK YOU UBISOFT
#2 at 19:28:05 - 13/06/2007
terminalterror
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Half of all adults in the United States say they have registered as an organ donor, although only some have purchased a motorcycle to show that they're really serious about it.

:D
#3 at 02:12:06 - 14/06/2007
Salaman
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Brilliant:


Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay , here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit's teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "SHIT! SHIT!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! FUCK!." By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm FUCKING HIV POSITIVE."
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.
#4 at 14:24:13 - 27/06/2007
Lutzie
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That is truly fucking awsesome
#5 at 14:44:38 - 27/06/2007
Jiroczech
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Yeah.. sure... "the biters". They're everywhere. Kids running around biting people in supermarkets - happens all the time.
#6 at 15:35:25 - 27/06/2007
Legion
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That guy has watch Dawn of the Dead far too many times.
#7 at 15:54:16 - 27/06/2007
Menace
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Jiroczech said:Yeah.. sure... "the biters". They're everywhere. Kids running around biting people in supermarkets - happens all the time.


'+1' =)
#8 at 18:14:36 - 27/06/2007
Salaman
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When's the last time you lot where in a US supermarket? It may be an infestation there.
#9 at 18:27:06 - 27/06/2007
Salaman
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Religious people lol

so, my mom was putting in her CD with church pics but it wouldn't work on her computer
so she put it in mine
now, the last thing I watched on windows media player was hardcore lesbian porn
that got into the action right away
so my mom puts in the cd into my computer
opens up windows media players
and the porn starts playing
and when I realized what was happening I was like "oh fuck"
but then...
she goes berserk
she was screaming "THIS CD HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL!!"
and she took out a HAMMER
and smashed the fucking CD
it was the best thing ever
not only was I completely off the hook
you have to love the awesome displays of religious apeshit
I think if god existed, he put people like my mom on this earth to entertain us



So the other night I can't sleep, so I go downstairs and pour a bowl of cereal and decide I'll eat it in my room while I watch Conan.
After I pour my cereal, I turn the lights back off and it's pitch black as I walk up the stairs to my bedroom.
By the way, I'm only wearing a pair of silk shorts.
So I'm trying to balance my bowl of cereal in the dark so I don't spill, thinking I'm doing okay. When I reach the top of the stairs, the bowl tips and I feel it spill all over my shorts.
So I walk back downstairs to grab a rag and clean up. I find a roll of paper towels and I pick up all the cereal inside it and walk downstairs to throw it away and put my bowl in the sink.
Then I start to clean up the milk on the floor and on my shorts.
Well this is near my parents' bedroom, and as I'm cleaning, I hear them having sex. Being male, I start to get an erection at the sounds of sex, despite the fact that I know it's my parents having the sex.
So I try to tune it out and hurry up with the spilt milk. In the midst of all this, I start to have a coughing fit. A result of being a smoker.
A minute later, my mom opens her bedroom door - wrapped in a blanket - and sees me standing there with an erection bulging through my shorts, which are still wet with a seeping liquid, and a paper towel in my hand dripping white stuff, all outside her bedroom door where she and my dad were just having sex.
I've never thought seriously about running away from home until that night.

#10 at 13:33:39 - 05/07/2007
evilashchris
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oh.my.god.

If that's true it's the best thing i have ever read.
#11 at 14:48:16 - 05/07/2007
Salaman
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Fresh goodies:

d> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
d> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
d> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
g> don't they have stickers on them that say they could explode or catch fire by doing that?
d> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.
#12 at 13:43:31 - 19/07/2007
Salaman
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KompRa: dude, my girlfriend dumped me yesterday..
Ryan808: itll be fine man
KompRa: i got so angry last night i went to her girlfriend and i fucked her all night long
KompRa: and the sad thing.. it was on April Fools' Day
Ryan808: komp, i think your ex was just messin wit you on the breakup thing, april fools
Ryan808: i think u should verify that :
KompRa: holy shit
#13 at 13:44:21 - 19/07/2007
Salaman
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CATS! /

DrEechmen> So... earlier today, I was watching one of my family's cats hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking 'gee, the danged animal is so darned easily amused'... and then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.
#14 at 13:45:51 - 19/07/2007
Retroid
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o/
#15 at 14:53:09 - 19/07/2007
Legion
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Do you have some sort of "cat-post alarm" retroid?
#16 at 15:30:58 - 19/07/2007
Salaman
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Let's find out.

*taps mic*
Testing one two. Testing.

Ahum.


CATS!

#17 at 16:13:46 - 19/07/2007
Spin Dr Wolf
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Nope, just good ears then.
#18 at 16:41:06 - 19/07/2007
Retroid
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........./o/

^Runs into thread

o/ CATS o/
#19 at 16:50:21 - 19/07/2007
Khanivor
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:D

..



Thunder, Thunder, Thunder...
#20 at 18:56:05 - 19/07/2007
Salaman
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Nah nah nah naaah nanah naaanah
THUNDER!
Nah nah nah naaah nanah naaanah



/might have made the wrong association
#21 at 19:03:58 - 19/07/2007
Retroid
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#22 at 19:20:40 - 19/07/2007
Legion
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#23 at 20:53:40 - 19/07/2007
Menace
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Salaman said:Nah nah nah naaah nanah naaanah
THUNDER!
Nah nah nah naaah nanah naaanah



/might have made the wrong association


I was caught
In the middle of a railroad track (Thunder)

And I knew there was no turning back (Thunder)
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do (Thunder)
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you (Thunder)

Sound of the drums
Beatin' in my heart
The thunder of guns
Tore me apart
You've been - thunderstruck
#24 at 22:47:50 - 19/07/2007
Salaman
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These two'd fit right in at EG (and here no doubt)

Snausages> So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.
Snausages> And the bartender says,
Snausages> "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."
Myke> That struck a chord.
Snausages> Careful with those puns, you'll get in treble.
Myke> But they're key to my humour.
Myke> And very noteworthy.
#25 at 12:29:37 - 06/08/2007
Tabasco
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God I LOVE Bash.org! :o)

Quake-Hat: brad, your mom is fine as shit
Quake-Hat: i think i will masturbate to her while i play with my balls
bad_brad: brad had to go blow his nose, but thanks for the compliment, i will be calling your mother
Quake-Hat: Jesus-fucking christ!!!
#26 at 19:52:49 - 06/08/2007
Tabasco
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Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
Lucent> who?
Thumb> center for disease control
Lucent> i said WHO
Thumb> what? i'm asking you
Lucent> World Health Organization

/could go on forever/
#27 at 20:06:41 - 06/08/2007
Salaman
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Oh man!

karlmex> So a friend of mine got back from Amsterdam a few months back, after spending a stint there with a bunch of his mates. Told me quite possibly one of the funniest stories I’ve heard. They had picked up some shrooms and acid, and decided to take it in the wee hours of the morning, and spend the day exploring the city while they tripped…sure enough 20min into it, one of the group vanishes. So, after 7 or so hours of struggling to search for their lost friend, they decide it’d be best to head back to their hotel, sober up, regroup, and go looking when the gears worn off and they’d be of more use.
tubs> lol k
karlmex> Anyway, upon arrival at the hotel, surprise suprise they find their friend standing in the lobby, dazed and staring at the ceiling muttering to himself. Understandably they were all pissed off with him for making them worry and bringing their trip down as a result of their half assed search. However all the friend can reply with is “this fucking town is full of gremlins!”… They tried to calm him down and tell him that it was the acid making him hallucinate, to which he replied “I knew you’d say that so I captured one and locked it in the bathroom…”
tubs> lol?
karlmex> as you’d expect they thought he was losing the plot, but he insisted they come to his room and look for themselves. So, they head to the room, and sure enough, the bathroom door is baracaded shut with chairs, lamps, mattress and the bed…they're getting a little worried now, so they cautiously move the furniture away and inch the door open…
tubs> and??
karlmex> ...Laying on the floor is a 10 year old kid with Down syndrome grinning ear to ear.
tubs> lol dude that's fucked up
karlmex> The mate had come across one of those outing groups or retarded kids - freaked out, balled up one of those poor little bastards carried him back to the room and locked him in the bathroom for proof…
tubs> lol god man
karlmex> anyway, luckily the kid had one of those ID cards saying “hi my name is Ted, I live at blah blah” lol so yea, took the poor kid to the lobby, called the cops and did a runner before they arrived lol.
#28 at 13:34:27 - 16/08/2007
Tabasco
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Oh Sal! Ahahahahaha!!! :o)))
#29 at 22:32:36 - 16/08/2007
evilashchris
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oh my lord! That is so NOT funny.. nope, not funny..

gnnnnn.

*titters*
#30 at 05:54:42 - 17/08/2007

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