I don't wanna be me..


Author Reply
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Anybody else feel they're going nowhere fast?

Perhaps its a classic midlife crisis, but the only thing that can bring a genuine smile on my face these days is my son (whatever he does)..

I've done most of the things I want to do in life, and nothing really gets me going anymore. I feel I'm stuck in an unhappy marriage and its nobodys fault.

My job is great and I get a lot of support but everyday feels like I'm getting closer and closer to leaving it..

I'm gonna get help (already set in motion) but I just felt like getting it off my chest right now, and nobody here knows me in real life but still usually take things seriously so it felt like the right place to do it..
#1 at 15:27:09 - 03/09/2007
smoothpete
Flag
Posts:311
Comments:6
Thread Kills:3(1%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
Not sure what to suggest. Buy a porsche? ;)

Only kidding. So you say you enjoy your job but feel like leaving? What do you mean? I wish I enjoyed my job!

Relationship-wise, have you talked to your other half about this?
#2 at 15:30:03 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Hehe.. I dont like cars!

I enjoy my job, but I have a hard time concentrating, don't feel I do a good enough job despite being assured of the opposite and can't take part in social arrangements and such. My wife know all about it.. she's bipolar and its all starting to wear me down (been together for +8 years).. I'm not suicidal or anything, just a bit depressed or stressed out maybe..
#3 at 15:34:32 - 03/09/2007
duncan
Flag
Posts:238
Comments:19
Thread Kills:21(9%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
ah.....

Can I ask a question, is it not really her responsibility to look after your happiness, just your responsibility to look after hers?

Do you get enough me time.... e.g. this weekend a mate came over and we watched a couple of games of football, drank some beers and played pro ev until two in the morning, as a result I finished the weekend feeling great.

I'd also ask have you always felt like this, or is it a new feeling?

How old are you?
#4 at 15:41:24 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
I have no 'me' time.. sometimes its like having two children, and that's not good for a relationship naturally..

I feel like running away sometimes, but that would be cowardly and cruel - I still love her also.. - of course I'd have to take our son with me, but I don't want to leave her as she really have no one else (family have more or less disowned her).

The feeling have been there for years but its getting worse or stronger.. I'll be 35 in October.

I appreciate that there's no easy advice or such, I just needed to vent a little I guess.. =/
#5 at 15:48:27 - 03/09/2007
JimJam
Flag
Posts:2586
Comments:189
Thread Kills:162(6%)
AATG Pts:180
Star Rating
Bronze Medal
I think a lot of people with young kids fall into the same trap. You slip so hard into the 'parent' role that you forget that there's actually another important reason you're together in the first place. As soon as you remember that, things seem easier.

Hope you work this stuff out Menace...

EDIT - I hear you on the 'me' time, which is why I'm only ever on Live from about 11pm onwards.
#6 at 15:54:33 - 03/09/2007
oneiros
Flag
Posts:1185
Comments:78
Thread Kills:41(3%)
AATG Pts:95
Star Rating
Bronze Medal
Menace said:
Anybody else feel they're going nowhere fast?

At the speed of light, mate... :(
#7 at 15:56:18 - 03/09/2007
Lutzie
Flag
Posts:887
Comments:58
Thread Kills:19(2%)
AATG Pts:120
Star Rating
Silver Medal
JimJam said:

EDIT - I hear you on the 'me' time, which is why I'm only ever on Live from about 11pm onwards.


Same here.

Someone needs to come up with a solution. :)
#8 at 16:07:18 - 03/09/2007
billdoor
Flag
Posts:3886
Comments:183
Thread Kills:158(4%)
AATG Pts:180
Star Rating
Bronze Medal
Tired of lying in the sunshine
Staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long
And there is time to kill today
And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun


Sums up most of us 30 somethings pretty well :(
#9 at 16:08:12 - 03/09/2007
ilmaestro
Flag
Posts:6577
Comments:421
Thread Kills:290(4%)
AATG Pts:240
Star Rating
Silver Medal
Without wanting to extol cliched and often not very relevant tripe, have you tried focusing on the things that are going well for you? It doesn't actually sound like you're in that bad a situation (from thousands of internet miles away), and that's before we get to the classic 'look how badly off some other people are' type of thing.
#10 at 16:19:16 - 03/09/2007
smoothpete
Flag
Posts:311
Comments:6
Thread Kills:3(1%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
Yeah for real, you could be ilmaestro for example ;)
#11 at 16:27:20 - 03/09/2007
JohnnyM60
Flag
Posts:369
Comments:58
Thread Kills:9(2%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
I hate the idea of marriage, hearing this sort of stuff only cements my thoughts. I'll not give advice though, I'm only 19 so it'd be pointless crap.
#12 at 16:29:11 - 03/09/2007
ilmaestro
Flag
Posts:6577
Comments:421
Thread Kills:290(4%)
AATG Pts:240
Star Rating
Silver Medal
smoothpete said:Yeah for real, you could be ilmaestro for example ;)

Or someone with a big lip! :)
#13 at 16:29:36 - 03/09/2007
smoothpete
Flag
Posts:311
Comments:6
Thread Kills:3(1%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
I dunno man, I go through phases of ups and downs, feeling like I have no direction, job I dislike, finite relationship, all that jazz. Sometimes I'm full of the joys of spring, other times I want to nuke humanity. Swings and roundabouts. As to stuff that will lift you out of your current funk, fuck knows. What stuff do you enjoy? Like, life affirming stuff. Go for a walk up a hill, lie in a field and watch clouds, climb a tree. These things work for me.

However it sounds like you need something more long term in terms of advice, which I can't help you with I don't think. I do however know that it never hurts to have a holiday if you can afford one!
#14 at 16:45:32 - 03/09/2007
Stevas
Flag
Posts:1783
Comments:260
Thread Kills:39(2%)
AATG Pts:195
Star Rating
Gold Medal
Woah.
Okay.
Normal service will be resumed... soon. Do not turn off your intarweb - abnormality will return after these messages...

/Normality

Some dude already said all you needed to hear. (In record time, it appears.)

You need to talk to her.

She needs to realise how big a deal this is. Hell, YOU need to realise how big a deal it is. Because if you don't sort this out now, you will, in all probability, grow to dislike her. Hate her, even.

That... does sound harsh, doesn't it? And this is me talking here. Stevas. You taking this advice with a lorryload of salt isn't just a consideration - it's practically a necessity.

(Nonetheless, I'll carry on. Hell it, the chances of someone ignoring me being astronomically high aint never stopped me before - and it won't now, dammit.)

I'm really not sure what you can do to sort this, and I realise she's got a problem that means she can't help certain times when she's not herself (if there was anyone here who you'd think knew something about this condition, I ask you: who would that be?), but if during the times when she WAS herself she paid more attention to what you needed (i.e. this so-called "me" time), then perhaps you can both put off what is pretty much a certainty if you let things keep sliding the way they are. You got a kid there, and many parents going through difficult periods think that they're managing to hide it from the kid... but they're invariably wrong.

I'm sorry to say it, but it already looks like the seeds for resentment have been sown. Not that I'm saying it's too late - far from it. It's nowhere near too late.

But there will come a time when it is.

In short: have a word. In fact, have several. You got two paths to take from here, really. Either you get through this and end up loving her even more, or you don't and... you don't.

Tell her how you're feeling. Give her options on what she/you/both of you could do that would make you happier. How is she with your hobby, there? You didn't say. If she's not interested at all (as I suspect) then maybe even if she just sat with you while you played - even for an hour - it might help. (On the other hand, if she IS interested then... what the hell is your fucking problem, dude?)

Life, eh? If it was worth living, everyone would be doing it. Right?

/Abnormality

Dude, for fuck's sake, just play more shmups. Man. Was that so hard to work out? Fuck me.


FUCK YOU UBISOFT
#15 at 17:16:43 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Cheers guys..

I'm know that I'm doing well (if we're talking career and all that) - I have a week off work now actually, but I'd rather be at work than at home.

I know life is full of ups and downs, its just that its been going down for some time now and I feel powerless to change it, unless I radically change my life (get a divorce maybe).. but I don't feel ready to make that move..

#16 at 17:17:29 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Just noticed your reply stevas.. and you're right, sometimes I do feel resentment, and I know she's feeling guilty (although she of course shoulnd't - its a disease not a choice). We've had many talks and she know how I feel - we've been to counceling a many times and everything is pretty much out in the open..

It just seems there's no solution that will make everybody happy, and when it comes to it I'm a bit of a people-pleaser.. =(
#17 at 17:21:15 - 03/09/2007
Stevas
Flag
Posts:1783
Comments:260
Thread Kills:39(2%)
AATG Pts:195
Star Rating
Gold Medal
Okay well, I'm not about to pretend I know more about this than the next psychoanalyst - besides, I left my PA head at home (and it's batteries need replacing after my last... "patient") - but it looks like you're soon going to have to make a decision as to who you need to keep happy. Thing is, even if you selflessly choose the option that would appear to be the one that would please the most... it often turns out to be the one that creates the most unhappiness... oh, you know what I mean - right?

FUCK YOU UBISOFT
#18 at 18:08:25 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
No need to make excuses, you make perfect sense.. I'm painfully aware that our kid picks up on things and that staying together for his sake isn't going to work.. I think the decision is more or less made I just have to carry it out, but I don't have the ball to do it.. =/

#19 at 18:17:36 - 03/09/2007
Stevas
Flag
Posts:1783
Comments:260
Thread Kills:39(2%)
AATG Pts:195
Star Rating
Gold Medal
Right, well, good luck with that. It's a pisser, I know. If I had one piece of advice to give on this it would be that once you've decided (you know, for real and that), get things moving as quick as possible.
Dragging things out never helps, man. The quicker everyone can get on with their lives the better.

FUCK YOU UBISOFT
#20 at 18:23:59 - 03/09/2007
Stevas
Flag
Posts:1783
Comments:260
Thread Kills:39(2%)
AATG Pts:195
Star Rating
Gold Medal
No, wait, hang the very fuck on.
I make perfect WHAT?
#21 at 18:24:28 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Stevas said:No, wait, hang the very fuck on.
I make perfect WHAT?


Heh, that must really have caught you by surprise - you forgot the 'FUCK YOU UBISOFT' bit.. =P
#22 at 18:26:37 - 03/09/2007
ilmaestro
Flag
Posts:6577
Comments:421
Thread Kills:290(4%)
AATG Pts:240
Star Rating
Silver Medal
lol, even Stevas's sig bot was surprised!
#23 at 18:29:10 - 03/09/2007
Stevas
Flag
Posts:1783
Comments:260
Thread Kills:39(2%)
AATG Pts:195
Star Rating
Gold Medal
I'll say I was surprised.

I was surprised.

There.

What's with that saying, eh? When people say, "I'll say," in response to something they agree with, I mean. I find myself prompting them to actually say it.

"That [insert name of politician] is full of shit."
"I'll say, Stevas, old boy."

...

"Well... fucking... go on then?"
"Eh?"
"Fucking say it?"
"Say what?"
"Whatever it is you said you were going to say?"
"I wasn't going to say anything?"
"Yes you were, you said 'I will say', then you didn't say anything?"
"No, no, I was merely agreeing with you - that's all."
"Oh... right. What were we talking about again?"
"That politician."
"Right. He's full of shit, he is."
"Yeah. See the bit of stuff he was cheating with his missus over though? Whew. I'll tell you what."

...

"Well... fucking go on then?"
Etc, etc.

This whole making sense thing: should I be offended, or what?


FUCK YOU UBISOFT
#24 at 19:03:40 - 03/09/2007
Menace
Flag
Posts:547
Comments:4
Thread Kills:15(3%)
AATG Pts:60
Star Rating
Hear here.. or here here?

..
#25 at 19:23:58 - 03/09/2007
MetalDog
Flag
Posts:279
Comments:5
Thread Kills:7(3%)
AATG Pts:50
Star Rating
One thing I've noticed as I scream through my thirties at light speed is that society in general has given me and many other thirty somethings the impression that life is almost over, that all the good bits are gone and it's all downhill from here.

This is really bollocks, because in my family all the guys live past seventy and the women, Christ, they just go on and on. I figure I'm not even halfway yet, shit. So - screw society. We're probably going to live longer than our grandparents, which means we're going to be here for a good while yet. This is not the time to start thinking about sitting down and gathering moss or going out in a last blaze of glory - we'll have /plenty/ of time to regret anything stupid we do now.

It does sound like you need some serious set aside 'me time'. It also sounds like you need something that fires up your interest again. Whether this turns out to be a new life, a new job or a new hobby is almost by the by. There's so much out there to know and learn, there will be something that sets your brain on fire and gets you nicely obsessed, you just need to find it. This can almost certainly be done without setting fire to any bridges - in fact if you find something that your wife gets hooked on as well, it could be really good for you both.
#26 at 22:45:05 - 03/09/2007

home